CASES OF GASLIGHTING AND EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION

 

Photo Credit: Paloma Gonzales

The key is rebuilding trust from the rubble, for both people to keep showing each other that "you are worth this, and believe in us." The question is; does it worth it?

It takes time and patience to rebuild trust. For the offender, be patient and show that you are sorry. This could take a while, but eventually your partner will heal. In their pain, your partner will appear angry at times and sad at times, sometimes they might seem back to normal but then go back to being angry. Be patient if you truly feel so if not get lost. They are acting this way because you hurt them, and you have the power to help them heal faster by being loving and patient. Your efforts of being humble and loving, to be giving and understanding, this creates the best environment for their wound to heal.

To The Victim

Don't break anything, try to physically harm him, or take anything that he could use to accuse you. Avoid giving him the opportunity to get back at you in any way.

If they were abusive or things were always bad, cut them off forever.

No contact is especially important if you were in a bad situation. It gives you time to get some perspective and figure out just how rewarding life can be without your awful ex. You deserve better, so don't look back until you're absolutely clear that's what you want.

If you were with an abusive person or they had a tendency to gaslight you into thinking things are your fault, it can cross some wires in your head. Show yourself some love and take as much time as you need to recover.

WHAT IS GASLIGHTING?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that makes you question your beliefs and perception of reality.

Over time, this type of manipulation can wear down your self-esteem and self confidence, leaving you dependent on the person gaslighting you.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation. Gaslighting happens when an abuser or bully makes you question your beliefs and perception of reality.

The term itself comes from the 1938 play "Gas Light," later released as the 1940 and 1944 movies "Gaslight." The story follows a husband who isolates and manipulates his wife with an end goal of institutionalizing her.

 

Picture Credit: Rebecca Ray

WHY DO PEOPLE DO IT?

A person may engage in gaslighting if they think their story is more accurate than another person's.

Stern claims that people frequently lie in order to validate their own identity. In order to maintain their sense of power and control when they feel threatened, gaslighters depend on you to accept and believe their version of the facts.

Therefore, getting someone else to doubt their own reality may give them a feeling of superiority.

Someone lying to you, expressing a different viewpoint, or telling you that you're mistaken about something are not the same as gaslighting. It can be more challenging to identify because it is more nuanced.

According to Stern it frequently occurs in three separate stages, though not every gaslighting dynamic includes all three:

Disbelief - Someone engages in gaslighting. Although it seems strange, you dismiss it as a one time incident.

Defense - You begin to defend yourself after experiencing gaslighting for a few more times.

Depression - To avoid conflict, you eventually accept their version of events as fact and try your best to win their approval. However, you lose energy when you deny reality. you become estranged from yourself, which makes you feel depressed and hopeless.

Gaslighting can happen to anyone, not just close friends and family. Politicians, for instance, gaslight when they refute incidents captured on or seen by numerous witnesses. When doctors suggest that you have imagined your symptoms, imply that you are exaggerating your pain, or suggest therapy instead of medication, they may be using gaslighting tactics.

Other instances of gaslighting are shown here:

With family

You live with your mother. The two of you get along fairly well, but she often questions you when you come home a little late.

"You said you'd be home right after work tonight," she insists one day. "I need my medication, but now the pharmacy will be closed right now.

In a romantic relationship

Your partner's infidelity is supported by some pretty strong evidence. You directly question them about it to give them a chance to be sincere.

Consider these three reactions:

• "What? No, of course I'm not cheating on you."

• "How dare you accuse me of cheating. work all day and come home to spend time with you, but you're never here. You say you're working, but who knows where you are? You're probably the one cheating. And if were cheating. It's not like you could blame me, since you're always too tired for sex."

• "We couldn't work on our compatibility."

• "You disrepect me."

The first response is just a lie. The second, third, fourth, however, might be an effort to get you to feel bad enough to end the conversation. Even if you don't believe them, you might not start doubting the veracity of your proof because you know they were having an affair. Alternatively, you might feel guilty for not being a "better" partner and try to make amends. But the question you should ask yourself; does it worth it?

 

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Indications of gaslighting

Those who use gaslighting may:

• Continue saying things you know you didn't say or do.

• Refute or mock your recollection of what happened.

• Refer to your needs or worries as "crazy" or "too sensitive."

• Express to others your doubts about your emotions, actions, and mental state.

• Manipulating or retelling the facts to place the blame on you.

• Assert their superiority while ignoring evidence or your point of view.

Signs that you have experienced gaslighting

Gaslighting can leave you feeling constantly self-conscious, as well as overburdened, bewildered, and unsure of your capacity to come to independent decisions.

Additional telltale signs that you're being gaslighted include:

• A persistent urge to apologize.

• Thinking there's nothing you can do right.

• Persistent trepidation, anxiety, or worry.

• A loss of confidence.

• Feeling as though you are losing your identity or are cut off from your sense of self.

• Believing you are to blame for everything that goes wrong.

• A persistent feeling that something is wrong even though you are unable to pinpoint what is wrong.

• A lingering sense of helplessness, annoyance, or emotional numbness.

These emotions frequently result from what other people say or imply about your behavior.

For instance:

• "You've been forgetting things lately and seem to be so confused. I'm beginning to worry a little bit."

• "You know, if didn't care, wouldn't say these things, right?"

You might become even more convinced that something is "wrong" with you as a result of this mask of worry.

A change in your behavior may be another sign of gaslighting. You might experience:

• Making decisions in order to appease others rather than yourself.

• Frequently doubting your decisions or what you said was the right thing.

• "I'm sure you wouldn't say such things if you didn't care."

At Work

You deserve to be promoted to manager status. An assistant manager who desired the same promotion joins the team with the promotion.

You've noticed that over the past few weeks, important phone messages have stopped working and documents have started to vanish from your desk.

You are surprised by the assistant manager's angry response when you inquire about whether they have seen any of the documents.

"Are you saying that I stole your belongings? Keep in mind that helping you is my responsibility. Why would I act in such a manner?"

A few weeks later, when you inquire about another missing file, "You know, lately, you sure seem stressed. This promotion is a major adjustment. Not everyone is up for the challenge."

How to react

You can take action to address gaslighting and reclaim your emotional space if you've seen some of its telltale signs.

Turn to your loved ones

Getting an outside opinion never hurts if you believe someone is gaslighting you. Family members and trusted friends who are not parties to the relationship can:

• Offer their perspective

• Help you get some clarity.

• Provide emotional support.

If you've recently begun to cut yourself off from your loved ones, remember that isolation will only increase the success of gaslighting.

Take Notes

When an argument or discussion took place days ago, it is frequently simpler to question yourself about it.

You can trust the evidence you get from recording events as soon as they happen. When your memory is questioned, having notes from a conversation or using a smartphone app to record your argument will give you something to refer to.

Your notes can help you understand what is going on even if you don't feel comfortable confronting the person.

Establish clear limits

Setting boundaries can stop someone from gaslighting you and give you some physical and emotional breathing room.

If you've recently begun to cut yourself off from your loved ones, remember that isolation will only increase the success of gaslighting.

When it occurs again, you could say:

• "It seems we remember things differently, so let's move on."

• "If you call me 'crazy,' I'm going to

leave the room."

• "We can talk about it, but if you shout, I'm going to leave."

It's crucial to respect these restrictions. It demonstrates to them that you are not a target for manipulation.

KEEP THE CHARACTERISTICS THAT DEFINE YOU

Gaslighting often involves a loss of personal identity. Over time, you might begin to feel like you've changed beyond recognition, or become numb and hollow.

Living in a constant state of nervousness and worry can leave you with little energy for self-care or your own interests.

Yet making time to meet your physical and emotional needs can help you reclaim your energy and hold on to your sense of self. You might even find it easier to navigate and challenge attempts to gaslight you, as a result.

Over time, gaslighting can:

• Affect your sense of self-worth 

• Leave you unsure about making decisions.

• Contribute to feelings of anxiety, depression, and loneliness.

The conclusion

Gaslighting may begin subtly, but this cunning manipulation has the potential to do serious, long-lasting damage.

 

Photo Credit: Cinthia Irigoyen

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

Emotional manipulators frequently employ mental tricks to gain control in a relationship.

The ultimate objective is to exert control over the other person using that power.

Mutual respect, understanding, and trust are the cornerstones of a successful relationship. Both interpersonal and professional relationships share this trait.

Sometimes individuals try to take advantage of these aspects of a relationship for their own gain.

Emotional manipulation may not always be obvious. They can be challenging to spot. particularly when they are occurring to you.

That doesn't mean that it's your fault - no one deserves to be manipulated.

You can learn to recognize the manipulation and stop it. You can also learn to protect your self-esteem and sanity, too.

They get too close too quickly

Emotional manipulators may skip a few steps in the traditional get-to-know-you phase. They "share" their darkest secrets and vulnerabilities.

What they're really doing, however, is trying to make you feel special so that you divulge your secrets. They can use these sensitivities against you later.

For example:

• "I feel like we're just connecting on a really deep level. I've never had this happen before."

• "I've never had someone share their vision with me like you have. We're really meant to be in this together."

They twist the facts

Emotional manipulators are masters at altering reality with lies, fibs, or misstatements in order to confuse you.

They may exaggerate events to make themselves seem more vulnerable.

They may also understate their role in a conflict in order to gain your sympathy.

For example:

• "I asked a question about the project and she came at me, shouting/yelling about how I never did anything to help her, but you know do, right?"

• "Your ex is haunting me."

• "I cried all night and didn't sleep a wink."

They make you feel sorry for voicing concerns

An emotional manipulator will probably respond aggressively or try to engage you in an argument if you make suggestions or ask questions.

They can direct your choices and sway your judgment using this tactic.

They might also take advantage of the circumstance to make you feel guilty for having voiced your worries in the first place.

For example:

"I don't understand why you don't just trust me."

"You know I'm just an anxious person. I can't help it I want to know where you are at all times."

They're always "just joking" when they say something rude or mean

Criticism can be masked by humor or sarcasm. They might claim to be speaking in jest when they're actually trying to sow a seed of doubt.

For example:

"Geez, you look exhausted!"

• "Well if you'd get up from your desk some and walk around, you wouldn't get out of breath so easily."

They refuse to accept responsibility

Emotional manipulators will never accept responsibility for their errors.

However, they'll make an effort to find a reason to blame you for everything. from a quarrel to a failed endeavor.

You may end up apologizing, even if they're the one at fault.

For example:

"I only did it because love you so much."

They constantly criticize you

Emotional manipulators may dismiss or degrade you without the pretense of jest or sarcasm. Their comments are designed to chip away at your self-esteem.

They're meant to ridicule and marginalize you. Often, the manipulator is projecting their own insecurities.

For example:

• "Don't you think that dress is a little revealing for a client meeting? I guess that's one way to get the account."

• "All you do is sleep."

• "You're lazy."

• "You're a failure."

They use your insecurities against you

They can hurt you if they know where your weak points are. They might say or do things with the intention of making you feel helpless and upset.

They exploit your emotions to hurt you

When you're upset, someone trying to manipulate you might make you feel bad about how you're feeling.

They might say you're being unreasonable or aren't investing yourself enough.

For example:

• "If you really loved me, you'd never question me."

• "If you really loved me, you'd never compare or disrespect me."

You get the silent treatment from them

Your calls, emails, direct messages, or any other form of communication go unanswered.

They take advantage of the stillness to exert control and make you feel accountable for their actions.

They make a statement or act, then retract it

This tactic aims to cause you to doubt your recollection of the past.

They can blame you for the issue and make you feel guilty for the misunderstanding once you are no longer certain of what occurred.

For example:

• "I never said that. You're imagining things again."

• "I wouldn't commit to that. You know I'm far too busy."

They make you wonder about your own sanity

When someone uses gaslighting, they are trying to manipulate you into thinking that you can no longer rely on your own judgment or experience.

They lead you to believe that certain events were just a figment of your imagination. Your sense of reality is lost.

WHAT TO DO

Realizing someone is trying to control your emotions may take some time. The warning signs are subtle and frequently change over time.

However, trust your gut if you feel that this is how you are being treated.

√ Apologize for your part, then move on. You likely won't get an apology, but you don't have to dwell on it either. Own up to what you know you did as a matter of fact, and then say nothing of the other accusations.

√ Don't try to beat them. Two people shouldn't play this game. Instead, learn to recognize the strategies so you can properly prepare your responses.

Outlook

Nobody should ever be treated in this way by another person.

Even though emotional manipulation doesn't always result in physical damage, its effects can last for a very long time. Both healing and growth are possible as a result of this.